Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
