I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
The best revenge is premature balding
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
