the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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