We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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