Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
