I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
