If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
