He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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