You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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