You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
