We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
