Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
