Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
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