My cat gives me a boner
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
