I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
