You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
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