dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
