I just pynch a tree in the face
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
