The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
