false alarm. still invincible.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
