If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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