If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
