I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
