First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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