I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
