If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
