Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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