I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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