You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
