then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
