According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
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