walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Drake has all the answers
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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