If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
