He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
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