i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
