What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
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