His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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