New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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