My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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