he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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