the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
