If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
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