i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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