my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
