The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
