Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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