What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Randomize
