When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
