and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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