I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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