Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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